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Monday, March 28, 2011

What am I waiting for?


It's such an easy phrase to say. If you say it fast enough it sounds like one word: Iduncare. But to say it and mean it...that's the tricky part. Having one of the most analytical minds I've ever known, that phrase is almost a joke. "I don't care" - what's the meaning again? 
Right now above all other times everything would be SO EASY if I simply didn't care (with the exception of school and stuff like that). If I didn't care then my heart wouldn't sink like the titanic when I walk into to the room and see him for the first time this weekend..and he just looks down. Following that any response to me is geared towards the screen because that's where his eyes stare. Then I hear it. Her happy lovable voice you have to just smile about "Aaron you're back!" Next thing I know the bump on the log becomes Dash with full energy and excitement. I watch pretending to laugh and smile while he vies for her attention. 

Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much if we hadn't have just talked. We had such a great talk. I thought everything was going to be ok and I could move on. But NO. 

So what I keep asking myself is what am I waiting for? If he doesn't care why should I? I spent so long trying to show him that I truly cared but it didn't matter. He doesn't want it. Is that why I care so much? because he doesn't? Ahhh. Ding ding.

With all that's going on it's kind of hard to see that I'm only drowning in water knee deep. I know that things could be a million times worse; thank the world there's been no tsunami hitting me yet. There's so much to be thankful for that it's really honestly silly for me to feel so blue. 

I got a text from my dad today. My dad is not the person I talk to my feelings about, it just doesn't work that way. He tries so hard to understand me but honestly I don't blame him for being confused. Anyways the text had one phrase that touched me deeply to know it came from him. "You are beautiful and you are going to meet a prince who is beautiful and he will be all yours forever!!" He has a good point. 

So what am I really waiting for? Well I'm waiting for someone who cares about me and who I am and what I can become. I had a friend slip a letter under my door today. It was a wonderful letter letting me know how much he truly CARES for me and wants the best for me and will always be there for me. So you know what I'm really waiting for? A wonderful man who can contend with such an awesome guy as him. 

It may seem long now, but a couple years is worth waiting for ETERNITY :)

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