What am I waiting for?

I-Don't-Care. 

It's such an easy phrase to say. If you say it fast enough it sounds like one word: Iduncare. But to say it and mean it...that's the tricky part. Having one of the most analytical minds I've ever known, that phrase is almost a joke. "I don't care" - what's the meaning again? 

Right now above all other times everything would be SO EASY if I simply didn't care (with the exception of school and stuff like that). If I didn't care then my heart wouldn't sink like the titanic when I walk into to the room and see him for the first time this weekend..and he just looks down. Following that any response to me is geared towards the screen because that's where his eyes stare. Then I hear it. Her happy lovable voice you have to just smile about "Aaron you're back!" Next thing I know the bump on the log becomes Dash with full energy and excitement. I watch pretending to laugh and smile while he vies for her attention. 

Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much if we hadn't have just talked. We had such a great talk. I thought everything was going to be ok and I could move on. But NO. 

So what I keep asking myself is what am I waiting for? If he doesn't care why should I? I spent so long trying to show him that I truly cared but it didn't matter. He doesn't want it. Is that why I care so much? because he doesn't? Ahhh. Ding ding.

With all that's going on it's kind of hard to see that I'm only drowning in water knee deep. I know that things could be a million times worse; thank the world there's been no tsunami hitting me yet. There's so much to be thankful for that it's really honestly silly for me to feel so blue. 

I got a text from my dad today. My dad is not the person I talk to my feelings about, it just doesn't work that way. He tries so hard to understand me but honestly I don't blame him for being confused. Anyways the text had one phrase that touched me deeply to know it came from him. "You are beautiful and you are going to meet a prince who is beautiful and he will be all yours forever!!" He has a good point. 

So what am I really waiting for? Well I'm waiting for someone who cares about me and who I am and what I can become. I had a friend slip a letter under my door today. It was a wonderful letter letting me know how much he truly CARES for me and wants the best for me and will always be there for me. So you know what I'm really waiting for? A wonderful man who can contend with such an awesome guy as him. 

It may seem long now, but a couple years is worth waiting for ETERNITY :)

Someday....

Someday I'll be able to get over him.
Someday I'll finally be over Brennan too.
Someday I'll remember that I like myself just the way I am.
Someday I'll know I'm loved without having to see it.
Someday Heavenly Father will not have to keep putting me through these silly affection/self esteem trials because I'll finally learn what he's been trying to teach me.
Someday I'll find people who actually want to room with me not just suggest it then find better people.
Someday I will learn how to stay motivated and happy all at once.
Someday I'll go to Europe.
Someday I'll actually put myself on a normal sleeping schedule (maybe).
Someday I'll learn how to live every day like it's my last.
Someday I'll figure out who I am exactly.
Someday I'll stop thinking about him and be happy about it.
Someday I'll find a true best friend.
Someday I'll marry that best friend.
Someday I'll be in a place where I don't wish I had someone to tell me I'm special every day and hold me tight, because it will be a reality.
Someday I'll be the best wife I can possibly be.
Some sooner day I'll be secure with who I am and where I'm going and be completely independent.  Someday I'll be a kick butt mom and an even greater so grandmother.
Someday I'll get to return to live with my father in heaven. SOMEDAY :).

When at first you don't succeed... ski, ski again.

Well you probably read about my first skiing experience..pretty scary. Well this time I feel that it was a success! At first I was so terrified i didn't think that I could do it I was too scared...but I did. I found my great friend Parker who is one of the nicest guys ever to help me warm myself up to the slope. At first I had to take really wide and slow turns. Thankfully he was there. After a while I caught on and could handle it by myself.
     After a while of skiing I realized that a complete empty stomach wouldn't cut it. So I made my way up to the lodge. I grabbed some chili and started away on it. After a while of feeling thirsty I talked Aaron into getting me a water bottle in the lodge...accomplishment? haha. I got the talk from the boys after "stealing" Steve's roll that you don't touch a guys food. Oh well haha. After some chit chat and fun in the lodge I headed out with Aaron up the slope. We were a pretty good match to ski/snowboard with because it was my second time skiing and his first boarding. I actually beat him down the hill a couple times!! Pretty cool I know :).  After skiing Parker and I talked for awhile about different things. It was really nice to talk to him. Honestly like I said he is such a genuinely nice guy it's so calming to be around him. All in all I really enjoyed myself in spite of what I might have first guessed.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Some say that less you say the more people remember....I don't have that gift. I am fully aware that I have vomit of the mouth syndrome, especially with people who intimidate me. I want to say one thing and instead say five others. It's like I think that the more I talk the more people will learn who I am and like it, but instead I feel that they take it for granted because I took away the mystery and challenge. I am proud of who I am and that I can be open and communicate, but at the same time, I look up to people who can say what they feel in choice words. Everyone listens to them. Well at least with me you know exactly what you're getting; good and bad.