I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father.
I'm grateful to be in college.
I'm grateful for my red hair.
I'm grateful to have parents who love me.
I'm grateful for my voice.
I'm grateful for a latter day prophet and apostles.
I'm grateful for my freedom.
I'm grateful to be in a community predominant with my religion.
I'm grateful for Abbie, Mike, Steve, Alex, Kaitlyn, Charlene, Joy, Nate, J.T., Kristin, so many others.
I'm grateful for the little notes people slip under my door to tell me I'm special.
I'm grateful for music.

I'm grateful, I'm grateful, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

Please leave my thoughts I was in the middle of convincing myself you don't matter.

Cops and Robbers

So my adventure for the night (couple nights ago) started out when after finishing Harry Potter six I looked out the window. From the sixth floor on the man tower you can see a good span of the campus. Off in the distance I noticed that in the entire business building there is one window lit up... one. That's the kind of thing you see in a creeper scary movie. So I felt all Nancy Drew like and wanted to get people to go with me to investigate but they reminded me of what usually happened to the girl who goes towards the mysterious window...she dies. So I didn't go. But it's ok everything thing works out just keep reading :).

After getting back I wanted to show Abbie my outfit for April fools day coming up. I was dressed up in baggy sweats and superman boxers, shirt, and cap. While strutting my ensemble around in the lounge I heard the hall door open followed by men's voices (not to be confused with boys). Then someone said "It's the cops coming" and I freak and grab a blanket to cover up my odd outfit. After a few looks from the cops, I realized that they were more confused by my reasons for hiding under a blanket and decided that it would be best to just lose the blanket. Once off I decided to further explain my appearance. I used my shnazzy sense of humor to make them laugh as I explained that I was dressing as a boy for April fools. Then I tried my man walk- it failed miserably.

One thing you should know about the cops on campus is that they are SUPER friendly. After a good amount of questioning I came to find out that Officer Kent Harris ( or as I call him superman) is in my Sociology class!! Of course Abbie just had to let it slip that I tend to skip class... dang it. So he teased that if I didn't come to class he would call me out to the teacher. So I went. And received a junior police officer sticker on my door.

Oh and to finish the story about the random light- it was some guy's office where he never turns his light off. Go figure.

Our boy outfits minus the hair tucked up.

My junior police officer sticker from Superman!

What am I waiting for?

I-Don't-Care. 

It's such an easy phrase to say. If you say it fast enough it sounds like one word: Iduncare. But to say it and mean it...that's the tricky part. Having one of the most analytical minds I've ever known, that phrase is almost a joke. "I don't care" - what's the meaning again? 

Right now above all other times everything would be SO EASY if I simply didn't care (with the exception of school and stuff like that). If I didn't care then my heart wouldn't sink like the titanic when I walk into to the room and see him for the first time this weekend..and he just looks down. Following that any response to me is geared towards the screen because that's where his eyes stare. Then I hear it. Her happy lovable voice you have to just smile about "Aaron you're back!" Next thing I know the bump on the log becomes Dash with full energy and excitement. I watch pretending to laugh and smile while he vies for her attention. 

Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much if we hadn't have just talked. We had such a great talk. I thought everything was going to be ok and I could move on. But NO. 

So what I keep asking myself is what am I waiting for? If he doesn't care why should I? I spent so long trying to show him that I truly cared but it didn't matter. He doesn't want it. Is that why I care so much? because he doesn't? Ahhh. Ding ding.

With all that's going on it's kind of hard to see that I'm only drowning in water knee deep. I know that things could be a million times worse; thank the world there's been no tsunami hitting me yet. There's so much to be thankful for that it's really honestly silly for me to feel so blue. 

I got a text from my dad today. My dad is not the person I talk to my feelings about, it just doesn't work that way. He tries so hard to understand me but honestly I don't blame him for being confused. Anyways the text had one phrase that touched me deeply to know it came from him. "You are beautiful and you are going to meet a prince who is beautiful and he will be all yours forever!!" He has a good point. 

So what am I really waiting for? Well I'm waiting for someone who cares about me and who I am and what I can become. I had a friend slip a letter under my door today. It was a wonderful letter letting me know how much he truly CARES for me and wants the best for me and will always be there for me. So you know what I'm really waiting for? A wonderful man who can contend with such an awesome guy as him. 

It may seem long now, but a couple years is worth waiting for ETERNITY :)

Someday....

Someday I'll be able to get over him.
Someday I'll finally be over Brennan too.
Someday I'll remember that I like myself just the way I am.
Someday I'll know I'm loved without having to see it.
Someday Heavenly Father will not have to keep putting me through these silly affection/self esteem trials because I'll finally learn what he's been trying to teach me.
Someday I'll find people who actually want to room with me not just suggest it then find better people.
Someday I will learn how to stay motivated and happy all at once.
Someday I'll go to Europe.
Someday I'll actually put myself on a normal sleeping schedule (maybe).
Someday I'll learn how to live every day like it's my last.
Someday I'll figure out who I am exactly.
Someday I'll stop thinking about him and be happy about it.
Someday I'll find a true best friend.
Someday I'll marry that best friend.
Someday I'll be in a place where I don't wish I had someone to tell me I'm special every day and hold me tight, because it will be a reality.
Someday I'll be the best wife I can possibly be.
Some sooner day I'll be secure with who I am and where I'm going and be completely independent.  Someday I'll be a kick butt mom and an even greater so grandmother.
Someday I'll get to return to live with my father in heaven. SOMEDAY :).

When at first you don't succeed... ski, ski again.

Well you probably read about my first skiing experience..pretty scary. Well this time I feel that it was a success! At first I was so terrified i didn't think that I could do it I was too scared...but I did. I found my great friend Parker who is one of the nicest guys ever to help me warm myself up to the slope. At first I had to take really wide and slow turns. Thankfully he was there. After a while I caught on and could handle it by myself.
     After a while of skiing I realized that a complete empty stomach wouldn't cut it. So I made my way up to the lodge. I grabbed some chili and started away on it. After a while of feeling thirsty I talked Aaron into getting me a water bottle in the lodge...accomplishment? haha. I got the talk from the boys after "stealing" Steve's roll that you don't touch a guys food. Oh well haha. After some chit chat and fun in the lodge I headed out with Aaron up the slope. We were a pretty good match to ski/snowboard with because it was my second time skiing and his first boarding. I actually beat him down the hill a couple times!! Pretty cool I know :).  After skiing Parker and I talked for awhile about different things. It was really nice to talk to him. Honestly like I said he is such a genuinely nice guy it's so calming to be around him. All in all I really enjoyed myself in spite of what I might have first guessed.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Some say that less you say the more people remember....I don't have that gift. I am fully aware that I have vomit of the mouth syndrome, especially with people who intimidate me. I want to say one thing and instead say five others. It's like I think that the more I talk the more people will learn who I am and like it, but instead I feel that they take it for granted because I took away the mystery and challenge. I am proud of who I am and that I can be open and communicate, but at the same time, I look up to people who can say what they feel in choice words. Everyone listens to them. Well at least with me you know exactly what you're getting; good and bad.

A whole lot of something.

      Have you ever had so many different thoughts, feelings, experiences to choose to write about that you just simply opted out?? That's what I have been doing. Each day is different and there is so much to be said about each one how do you even choose which day is best deserving?? I don't know. So instead I think I might just take a moment and just say what's on my mind. *Warning* this may be a whole lot of rambling, but I'm pretty sure the synonym for rambling is blogging :D.
      Well one thing that has obviously been on my mind is that boy I've written about. It's ups and downs and everything in between for me as far as he's concerned. Really I just can't get myself to stop thinking about him. I wrote a whole four page post describing my experiences, feelings, and what I've learned from this journey with him, but decided that it was a little much and kept it for myself ( if you ever want the dynamic modern day Eponine  story just ask me to send you the post :D ). A mission is closing in for him and it's closing the door on me. For a closed book person my already difficult agenda has become a complete struggle. Now what I don't want you to think is that I'm trying to hook up with him right before his mission which would make things difficult for him. No, I care too much for that. I just really want to get closer to him because it's going to have to last us two years. Some days are great. We play and have fun just like old times. Others are a train wreck of him not acknowledging I'm around. Yesterday was actually a really great day. After stake conference Steve and I went to the man tower to meet up with everyone. We had a good time playing pool followed by dinner which was fun and irritating at the same time due to the boy next to me who lacked social cues of when to stop flirting already!!! I went through 3 cups of water and like six hugs thanks to him. After that we went to flirty boy's place for more pool and a movie. Aaron and I chose the movie which was Jonny English. It's a pretty funny one if I do say so myself. I worked with him some more on his Spanish with his little pocket book that teaches him all the different missionary phrases he would need to learn. After the movie and some pool we all took the journey home. While cutting through the TSC Aaron noticed a banner that said there was poetry and a beverage...right then! Next thing you know he takes off up the stairs. I say I'll go see where he is and if anything is going on. So I take off and go all the way up to the 3rd level, back down to the first and then to the 2nd where I find Aaron amongst the crowd. Our other friends had already taken off so it was just the two of us. We listened to the performers and sipped our tripped up root beer. Walking home I threw a snow ball at him which turned into a battle the whole way home fighting to get the other person into the snow banks. He is more powerful than myself and could easily fight me in. Haha we even battled on the elevator. I felt like we had some dirty little secret because once the elevator opened to our floor we immediately stopped and walked out like nothing had happened. After that followed a long period of guitar hero which I mostly watched. Aaron's by far the best which is no wonder seeing as how it's his game. When Steve kicked us out at midnight I wasn't ready to go to bed. We talked Aaron into watching a movie in his room. It ended up working out that Aaron and I got to share the bed, or at least half of it. I took his blanket but it wasn't before long that he shared it with me. I ended up cuddling up against him. Man it felt so right. Especially when my head made it to his chest and my hand somewhere near his heart. Slowly my fingers started to trace circles there on his chest. I was so worried he would retaliate but he didn't, and I could feel the draw between us getting stronger. It felt like our bodies were being pulled together like a magnet. The real test was to see if he got up as soon as the movie was over...he didn't :). We just stayed there laying and talking until everyone else said they were ready to go, so he said he better escort them home (and me). It was quite a night.
    Well that was a whole lot of rambling just as expected. The other thoughts occupying my mind are varied and don't get as much attention. Some are about Brennan. I miss him still but in a good way. I'm also worried about going home for the summer because I spent last summer entirely with him.
    I worry about my family a lot especially recently it seems that there is a lot of turmoil that I can't help or fix. It's hard to be away and know you can't do anything to help.
    I miss  too many classes my motivation is shot and I don't know what's wrong. I have terrible sleep habits and feel as though I'm letting life pass me by. I feel like I let others direct my life for me instead of the other way around.
   I'm generally happy, but worry that sometimes I look waaaay to much into things instead of just enjoying them.
   Well that's enough said for one post.